N/A

N/A

 

God Bless Hamlin

“GOD BLESS HAMLIN”

By

Brian Fields

When I was little and I would see a toy I wanted, I’d always tell my dad “I need this toy, Daddy; I really need it!” to which he’d reply “No, you need clothes, you need a place to sleep, you need food; THESE are things you NEED!!!”  Based on that, the line between ‘want’ and ‘need’ was crystal clear throughout most of my adulthood.  But then around age thirty-one, when I was macaroni-and-cheese broke in a pissant little hovel with only one pair of pants to my name (and they were sweatpants at that), that line became blurry as fuck.  I realized that I now wanted and needed Callie Steward.  Why her of all the girls I encountered in my twenties? Well, for one thing, her dad adored me.  But more importantly the only reason we weren’t together when we could’ve been was because she moved to Hamlin, Maine to get her Bachelor’s; she remains there.  I had nothing keeping me in Michigan so I called in lots of favors and got on a train to Maine.  I know it rhymes; fuck you, I’m not taking a tugboat.

Callie seemed pretty exuberant (more than I expected, honestly) to learn that I was coming to Maine.  Upon my arrival, we made plans to meet at Nate’s Café, which is right in downtown Hamlin.  She greeted me with a warm embrace and a pretty decent snog and I saw for the first time that all her time away from Oak Park hadn’t changed her all that much. Her tits looked a little bigger (and dear merciful God, I hope she didn’t get them done) but that could’ve just been due to me not seeing her in that tight a top before. After we had lattes, we then sojourned to the nearby (‘nearby’ is redundant; all the cool places in Hamlin are on the same fuckin’ street) Linda Lavin Theatre to see a newly remastered print of Melvin Van Peebles’ “Don’t Play Us Cheap” (goddamn I love this city already). 

Before the movie started, I told Callie I needed to piss and I’d meet her in the auditorium. I get to the urinal and whip it out when I notice a loiterer in my midst.  I look up to see an usherette in the typical 1920’s maroon getup (she even had a period bob hairdo) with her hands rested on the urinal partition, texting wildly on her Smartphone.

After a stunned silence, I finally managed to ask “May I help you?”

“With a cock like that, sweetie, how can I say 'no'?  Unfortunately I’m working so howsabout a rain checkie?” she replied.

“Wish I could but I’m a one woman man.  She’s the only reason I’m here in that godforsaken Mayberry knockoff.” I said.

“I know all about Callie, Pony Mulroney.  Why do you think I’m in here?” she asked.

“I just thought you were taking the bathroom attendant custom to a whole new level”. I quipped casually to which she broke into a snorting fit of hysterics.

When she composed herself she finally replied “I’m just giving Cal an idea of what she’s in for.  Now I’m letting her know you passed the test with flying Technicolors.  (I found out later the exact verbiage used was “It’s a futhermuckin’ humdinger!”) But bear in mind I am grading on a curve!”  With that she snapped a picture for good measure and slue-footed away with another snorty laugh.

The movie was an underrated masterpiece: insightful, touching, and a surprisingly strong song score.  When we got back to Callie’s flat, I immediately noticed a fairly prominent picture of what could only be described as ‘Hot Topic and One Direction had a love child’.  All I had to do was point at the picture and Callie instantly said (for we were still simpatico after all these years) “Yes, [name removed], that’s my boyfriend, Cody.  But he hasn’t been around much lately so it’s hardly worth you fretting over”.

“And you were going to share this with me when?” I pondered.

Callie said “Only if it turned out you had a little peen.  But thanks to Marty (because of course the usherette’s name was fucking Marty) I know that’s not true.  But as they say, a picture’s worth a thousand words: time to see how that fucker feels… and get your mind off what it’s on”.

Finally getting to fuck Callie exceeded every possible expectation: her body sleek, her orb-shaped breasts supple and swelled.  At the moment of mutual climax, she kept gasping “Make a wish…oh dear Lord, make a wish.”  Never one to disappoint, I said the only thing to come to mind: “Přál bych si, aby se váš kamarád s penisem proměnil v šelma!”

During the afterglow, of course I had to answer for my Czech ejaculation. I simply said that I once banged a Czech chick and that one phrase must have lingered… along with her yeast infection.  Callie called me a butthead and then immediately blew me.

At this point you’re probably wondering where I chose for lodging after arriving in Hamlin (and excuse the fuck outta me if I wanted to focus on me buried in Callie tonsil-depth).  Well, again thank God for Marty because evidently the sight of my pork sword made quite an impression on her.  When Callie mentioned I needed a place to stay, Marty instantly volunteered.  Of course at this point Callie considered me her main man so a strict ‘no touchie’ policy was in effect which for the most part I had no trouble honoring except in two regards: when not working at the theater Marty was a full-time nudist and she only had one bed. 

Yes, Marty and I lived together for four wonderful weeks until I came home one day and found her naked (obvi) body on the floor mutilated to the point of being unidentifiable, presumably at the tiny paws of some feral rodent.

Well, like Callie said, Cody hadn’t been around for a while and really showed no sign of returning so it stood to reason that I move in with her (which is what I wanted to do from goddamn jump street but then again that was before I found out she had a FUCKING boyfriend but whatevs) so I guess we were now a couple officially.  And what’s the standard first date for two millennials who live in the boonies?  Antique shopping! I found a potato gun which Callie raised holy hell over (first date and first fight in under five minutes?  What a concept) and she found a Mr. Spell.

That night we were both fast asleep when I heard a sonorous faint voice coming from the living room: “Wake up, Callie.  Get out here, Callie.”  We cautiously made our way towards the voice to see a meerkat sitting on the floor with the Mr. Spell in front of him (See, this is why I’m glad I don’t do salvia anymore). 

“What the hell?” blurted Callie.

“It’s me…Cody.” responded the Mr. Spell after Cody finished typing like mad.

“Cody...Why the fuck are you a meerkat?” asked Callie.

“Your guess is as good as mine.” replied Cody.  For some reason at that exact moment my brain finally made the connection.  A meerkat is a rodent of sorts: as ruled by the DA, Marty’s death was caused by a rodent.

“Ok Callie, my turn at the fuckin’ 8 Ball.  First of all, why ‘Cody’? Were there too many bastards named Cooper conceived at that particular Coachella tent? (Goddamn, but if that didn’t feel good to finally get that out of my system).    Also, did you kill Marty?”

“Natch.” replied Cody.  “I couldn’t kill you since you’re suddenly so important to Callie so the next best thing was to kill someone equally important to you”.

“Goddamnit, Cody, even as a little animal you’re such an unnecessary pain in my juicy fuckin’ ass!” exploded Callie as she took a bookend off the shelf and pelted that furry fucker a good ten times.  Once she caught her breath, she commanded me to get out the blender.  I confusedly obeyed.  Once I had it all set up, she placed Cody in the blender, replaced the lid and hit ‘puree’.  Before I could process that, she took an empty Dasani bottle out of the trash and a funnel out of a drawer.  Next thing I knew, she was pouring the Cody concoction through the funnel and into the bottle.

“Put on a coat, we have to finish this what I like to call the fuck up” ordered Callie.

“Can’t it wait until morning?” I asked, befuddled.

Callie defiantly pointed to the microwave clock which read 3:58 and said “Just because it’s still dark doesn’t mean it’s not technically morning, dipwad.”

“Well then, can’t you just flush him down the shitter?” I countered.

“NO!!!” she yelled incredulously.  “Don’t you know that’s how we got Freddy Krueger?”  Lucky for me Callie sucks a mean cock because goddamn if homegirl don’t like to bitch and often.  It seemed like in no time at all we were out in the woods loading the bottle full of Cody into my potato gun (which need I remind you upon its purchase I said it would come in handy and as such Callie owes me a 69) and shooting him deep into the earth.  That fateful deed completed, we strolled back home hand in hand and for my money I couldn’t wait to see what my next two months in Hamlin would hold.  Because let’s face it, a bottle of meerkat goop and a nudist usherette were gonna be a tough act to follow.

In the ‘loose ends’ department, if you’re a reader worth your salt (and I have a feeling you are), you’re probably wondering just what the fuck I said in Czech when Callie and I first had sex? Well, luckily there’s a busboy at Nate’s who is fluent in Czech and according to him I said “I hope your cocksucking boyfriend turns into a meerkat.”

THE END

Gentleman's Agreement

This is the book that the famous Gregory Peck film is based on and frankly I like the movie just a smidge better because in the movie Phil's anger is spread a little more equally between his friends/family and the outside world, whereas in the book he focuses his frustrations mainly on the former.

The Silver Star

***Spoiler Alert***

So this was a book that I read for a book group that I intended to join, but didn't for...reasons.  So just so my having read it doesn't come as a total loss, I see no reason why I can't post my review of it here.  I really liked it because it was a modern melodrama in that it followed one of the major rules: evil must be defeated.  Now in actuality the villain would not have been defeated, but I'm obviously not complaining that he was because he was so palpable that nothing short of death would have stopped him.

The Little Prince

I'm shocked to hear that this book is taught at colleges and also that it is widely not considered a children's book.  True, it does touch upon some very adult concepts but in a very juvenile way.

With Queens I've A La Carted

I once belonged to a wonderful book club that is now in the midst of becoming defunct and needless to say, I'm far from ready to stop discussing great books.  Hence why this blog was created.  First review coming shortly (/shortly I'll be dead\).